Lesson Learned

Listen to the other side of the story, because one day you might be it.

Actually, you’re always the other side of someone’s story.

And don’t forget; empathetic isn’t usually righteous ..

.. but honest is.

It’s a question of who’d listen.

You’re one with ..

You’re one with the burden of intuition.

You’re one with the freedom of a blank stare.

You’re one with the best friend you lost,

You wish was still there.

You’re one with the dust on that old piano.

You’re one with the strings on your new guitar.

You’re one with the wind through the open window,

You are.

It was a faint line that brought you here,

And a pulse that kept you in time.

It was the comfort of a tradition,

Like the few that were not that kind.

It’s a shame now, baby, you can’t see yourself, And everything you’re running from.

And it’s the same world, honey, that has brought You down,

As the one that’s gonna pick you up.

And pick you up.

You’re one with the echos of conversation.

You’re one with the strangers you overheard.

You’re one with the lesson that was the best one you learned.

It was a faint line that brought you here,

And a pulse that kept you in time.

It was the comfort of a tradition,

Like the few that were not that kind.

It’s a shame now, baby, you can’t see yourself, And everything you’re running from.

And it’s the same world, honey, that has brought You down,

As the one that’s gonna pick you up.

And pick you up.

It was a long, dark, sleepy morning walk.

You fell down, case and point.

It was a good start.

It was a good start.

It was a long, dark, sleepy morning walk.

You fell down, case and point.

It was a good start.

It was a good start.

It’s a shame now, baby, you can’t see yourself, And everything you’re running from.

And it’s the same world, honey, that has brought You down,

As the one that’s gonna pick you up.

And it’s a shame now, baby, you can’t separate

Yourself from where you stood.

And it’s the same world, honey, that made you feel so bad,

That makes you feel so good.

Feel so good.

Maria Taylor – Good Start

You’re one with the burdon of intuition.
You’re one with the freedom of a blank stare.
You’re one with the best friend you lost,
You wish was still there.

You’re one with the dust on that old piano.
You’re one with the strings on your new guitar.
You’re one with the wind through the open window,
You are.

It was a faint line that brought you here,
And a pulse that kept you in time.
It was the comfort of a tradition,
Like the few that were not that kind.

It’s a shame now, baby, you can’t see yourself, And everything you’re running from.
And it’s the same world, honey, that has brought You down,
As the one that’s gonna pick you up.
And pick you up.

You’re one with the echos of conversation.
You’re one with the strangers you overheard.
You’re one with the lesson that was the best one you learned.

It was a faint line that brought you here,
And a pulse that kept you in time.
It was the comfort of a tradition,
Like the few that were not that kind.

It’s a shame now, baby, you can’t see yourself, And everything you’re running from.
And it’s the same world, honey, that has brought You down,
As the one that’s gonna pick you up.
And pick you up.

It was a long, dark, sleepy morning walk.
You fell down, case and point.
It was a good start.
It was a good start.

It was a long, dark, sleepy morning walk.
You fell down, case and point.
It was a good start.
It was a good start.

It’s a shame now, baby, you can’t see yourself, And everything you’re running from.
And it’s the same world, honey, that has brought You down,
As the one that’s gonna pick you up.

And it’s a shame now, baby, you can’t separate
Yourself from where you stood.
And it’s the same world, honey, that made you feel so bad,
That makes you feel so good.
Feel so good.

Family

I guess I won’t finish my novel this weekend. Funny, how Change of Heart is such a theme in my life these days. Sometimes, I kinda feel that some books are too real for me. I keep seeking fantasy and romantic fiction to keep me away from reality.

I treasure the moments where I simply sit and do nothing. I’m such a big fan of waiting now, at the reception of some office, at the doctor, or when I wait for my driver every morning. Those times are about the only ones where I can find peace .. and silence. I put a favorite song on repeat, stick my earphones and .. well .. forget about everything else, about .. what will have to be done next. There simply is no next.

ابراهيم , يللا بأه انزل دلوقتي عشان خاطري

مروة لما بتقوللي كلمة عشان خاطري بنسى في ابه تاني جميل في الدنيا دي , أو حتى في أي دنيا تانية. ستو و جدو كانو عازمنا على الغدا يوم الجمعة و أنا صحيت بالعافية عشان الصلاة بعد ليلة خميس طويييلة أوي ,  و كنت لسه راجع بحاول أفتكر الراجل كان بيقول ايه في الخطبة

هوا كان بيقول ايه في الخطبة؟ كان بيتكلم عن قصة سيدنا يوسف .. اللي فضل قاعد في السجن سنين طويلة و مع ذلك عمره ما فكر ان الدنيا مش واسعة كفاية .. زيي كدا بخيبتي القوية

المهم أنا أصلا نادرا ما بروح العزايم بتاعت العيلة دي , ما بكلمش حد و لا بسأل على حد , دايما مشغول و قافل على نفسي الأودة و حتى ما عنديش تليفون في الأودة عشان مش محتاج له , بس رغم كل ده

رغم بعدي عنهم

كلهم بيسألوا عني و لا كأني مش سائل فيهم بالأشهر. ألاقي خالتو بيتكلمني بتقوللي : “انت واحشني أوي يا بوي بوي , ما بتسألش ليه على خالتك حبيبتك يا زفت”. أقوللها : “مانتي عارفة بأه أنا راجل مهم , لازم تتصلي بالسكرتيرة بتاعتي و تحجزي معاد”. فتروح يا حبيبتي تضحك ضحكة كده زي اللي بتسمعها لما تحلم حلم جميل و تصحى الصبح متأكد انك شفت الجنة شكلها عامل ازاي

الضحكة اللي دايما بتفكرني بماما .. و أيام زمان .. اللي ساعات بحس ان هي الحاجة الوحيدة اللي ليها معنى .. ما كانش فيها غلطات كتير , و ما كنتش قاعد تلوم في نفسك طول الوقت

We couldn’t erase our mistakes, so we did the next best thing and did something that distracted attention from them – Jodi Picoult, Change of Heart

I checked my online thingies and then put on a woolly sweater to fight away the cold noon and headed to grandpa’s. Headed to a fairytale, so to speak.

They were eight kids: Sara, Ayman (Momon), Anas (Annoos), Lamya (Lulu), Eman (Emo), Noha (Nonny), Ameera (Meera) and my sister Safaa (Safsoof).

Okay, maybe I’m fan of something else other than waiting. I’m a fan of children. I’ve been told I’d be a good father, I feel I will. I’m just not sure if I’ll be a father. Because .. it takes two. Halves … who … fit together.

Suddenly I found me be a 10 year old, instead of 22.

They got themselves an Uno deck to find me telling them: get another one 3alashan e7na keteer!! And would you listen to this:

ابراهيم انت لازم تقرا الورقة عشان تعرف هي بتتلعب ازاي , لولو بتقوللي,  عشان و بلا فخر كنت ناسي هيا بتتلعب ازاي فعلا

ابراهيم انت شعرك حلو أوي , استنى أعملك قصة – أميرة

هما ازاي بيقولو عليه جدو و هوا ما عندهوش دقن لونها أبيض ؟ – نهى هانم

ابراهيم هات فلوس لاخواتك حبايبك عشان نجيب حلويات من تحت – غدغود و كنت ناسي المحفظة في البيت , الحمد لله

ناسي الأونو بتتلعب ازاي؟! ايه الخيبة دي , هات هات – مروة , ما طبعا يعني , دي ما بتنساش حاجة

لأ حرام عليكو بأه – إيمان بعد ما بدأنا الدور كل شوية ييجي حظها في كارت معهاش اللون بتاعه

ابراهيم انت حجرك كبير أوي – نهى و أميرة كانت واحدة قاعدة على ركبتي الشمال و التانية ساندة على اليمين و احنا كلنا كنا عاملين دايرة على الأرض في الصالة

أميرة كانت لما تيجي تسحب كارت الأونو أو تحط واحد في الدور بتاعها كانت لازم تشب و تنام على بطنها لحد ما توصل لمكان الكروت في نص الدويرة اللي احنا عملينها , ما كنتش باساعدها عشان ما كنتش عارف أمسك نفسي من كتر الضحك , بعد شوية لقيتها أصلا قاعدة قدامي و لقيت نفسي برة الداير أصلا – و طبعا كنت شايف ورقهم هما الاتنين

و قعدت أشرح (بعد ما مروة فهمتني) لكل واحد فيهم الكارت دا بيعمل ايه و اللون ده المفروض يتحط امتى

أنا اليوم ده قعدت أضحك مع العيال دول لحد ما عيني دمعت و صدري و جعني , أول ما قمت من على الأرض لقيت أميرة بتقوللي ابراهيم ما تمشيش و خليك العب معانا حبه كمان

قلتلها : يا ميرة انا مش ماشي انا بس بريح رجلي

كنت عايز أقوللها : يا ميرة انت الي ما تمشيش

When it was time to leave, me and Marwa took the kids and headed for the elevator: our laughter rocking from the fifth floor down way, because I kept acting scared from the up sliding doors. When we were on street, a couple of blocks to walk them to our building (to escort the kids to my Uncle a flight up from our apartment). I had Amira in a hand, Noha in the other. And this conversation took place while we were walking down the street:

أنا : شفتو الدنيا برد ازاي

نهى: ايه دا .. انت ماسك ايدي أنا و أميرة

أنا: ايوه فيها ايه؟

نهى: أصل كدا انت بابا , و مروة ماما و احنا ولادكو

لمياء و صفاء: احم , و احنا اخواتكو الكبار

أنا و مروة : قاعدين نضحك

كنت عايز أقول: يا رب

I return home.

To reality again. To my mess of a fade lit room, and life. Unfinished novel. Pencils and papers strewn on a dusty desk. A laptop that suffers oppression. A bed that looks like it just survived a war. A tornado of clothing and socks and shoes. Shelves that have tongues stuck out. Feelings hung in the air. I close the room’s door on my wake. Stand idly .. hope for something I don’t know. Inject yet another dose of .. waiting .. into my yearning system.

And just like if I summoned her, I feel the pat on my shoulder, the whisper in my ear, her hands were cold with concern: “Ibraheem … malak?”.

I close my eyes to trap the tears. Why do love render you so ambivalent at times? towards your own self? why is it so hard to feel weak? My chest heaves with pain. I stifle my cries and purse my lips.

“I know ..”, she says softly, the rhyme of a mermaid, “I know”.

She kisses my right cheek and hugs my back. I’m afraid to turn around, I’m sulked too deep in my pause, in the middle of my room. In the middle of my life.

Or, in the bottom of it .. rather. Unable to move an inch. Unable to want to move an inch.

Her chin sleeps on my shoulder. I could hear her breaths and smell the flowers in her hair. She’s too weightless .. a feather. I rest my head on hers, too. It’s we’re like one. It felt we’re like one.

“I don’t deserve you”, I say .. in a stutter.

Her body taped to mine, didn’t move or stiffen, she just exhaled a breeze that reminded me of Spring, and told me: “I don’t deserve you too”.

Her hand flies slowly from the behind of me, rises gently to my face .. and wipes the tear that escaped me, away.

And lingers there, cupping my left cheek .. playing with my lips some, my eyebrows some ..

and my entire existence some,

Dedicated

When someone breaks their engagement news to you.

When you love that someone.

You feel so happy. So very happy.

But you immediately ask yourself: where am I?

You just ask. You never answer.

Because simply .. you don’t know.

You wish them well. You draw a smile on your face. You keep the smile there, because if it fades, tears will find space .. happy tears.

You keep wishing them well, when suddenly you realize that .. subconsciously .. you’re wishing yourself well .. too.

It’s one of those times when happiness pays you a visit so short you wish one of two things: for time to stop going by, or for your life to stop going by.

Actually, for anything to just .. stop .. for you to breathe.

Breathe the air and watch your beloved bask in their happiness.

Wish them its eternity.

Wish them a lifetime of it.

This post is dedicated to a dear friend of mine.

If you read this, dear friend, don’t mind my words failing me again, but please know, that you just made me truly happy for you.

you just did,

:)

Special Thanks

Since this eventful year has started and I’ve been overwhelmed with so many things. Too much’s happening too fast for my usual peace of mind, at home, at work and generally in my life.

Not boastfully, I was rendered depressed and turned off. My sky was matted with dark clouds, breathing became an obligation, and dreams hasted so far ahead the fear of losing sight of them became prominent – the feeling isn’t exactly nice.

But inside the hazy maze that’s called the world, light comes through to you in utter clarity in the form of love, caring and companionship. It happened numerous times, when I fight my eyes to open on mornings I was destined to hate because sometimes the answer to the-what-the-hell-am-I-going-to-do-today .. is just lost. You beat yourself up so hard you’re wounded, and forgiving yourself is such a tough call.

But I do wake up eventually to find reality giving me a cold rocky hug. I wake up to discover one other time that .. Noha is imaginary, that .. what I used to have as a Mom is now scattered somewhere in soil, that .. my dreams feel like fiends that either chase me or run away from me. That life is still the same. That what you see behind your eye lids disappear the moment you decide to finish the blink. That to take the next step, you still have to make mistakes.

Ones you’ll still have to regret.

That you’ll still waste time you’ll scorn yourself so hard for.

But I wake up and feel the carpeting with my toes, linger on the bedside to make sure it’s not a cliff, or maybe hope it indeed is, look at the tiny creak of light coming through my room’s door and imagine a time portal, remember, again and again, how does it feel when your heart is so heavy you stumble when you walk, or even when you don’t.

This is how it felt the moment consciousness slunk into me after a sleep that was a denying insomnia, for the whole month of January.

Sometimes … a hug is that needed, actually.

Anyways. I dragged, the post was supposed to be dedicated for someone. More than one.

A facebook message, an email or a line in the chat window. They tell me they would listen if I needed to vent, that they’ll be there for me .. around .. close .. a family .. a reason .. to wake up.

Guys, you don’t know how much your words healed in me. You just don’t know. But you were like cool water running through a parched throat. A warm tap with wet gauze over a sore wound. The voice in the dark that told me: you’re not alone.

Sorry if my words were lacking, or if my flu hindered my gratitude, or if my constant lethargy grumbled: ignorance, but I assure you .. you are on my mind, each and every one of you. Your sweet messages are not forgotten. Your friendships are like crowns.

And I don’t deserve any of it,

.. is just another pass

“Even when we’re old and gray?”, I asked.

“Even when we pass away”.

He kissed his index and middle fingers, slowly reached to my face and tapped my lips with them.

I froze, completely. My cheeks flaming, I looked down.

He gently held my chin, lifted my face to meet his gaze .. and smiled.

Safe, is how we both felt,

three, this week :(

el customer visits bettala3 el RAGEL elly gowwaya!

*ROAR*

Through my life ..

.. two movies only managed to make me weep: I Am Sam and The Pursuit of Happyness.

Tonight I cried in My Sister’s Keeper.

Thank God for tear ducts, they’re your last resort when you feel like you just ..

.. don’t understand,

الوطنية المؤقتة

احنا بلد الوطنية المؤقتة .. بلد الناس بتدعيلها في دقيقة و تشتمها في التانية

و تنام و تنسى في التالتة

الله و أعلم بأه لما البلد تحتاجنا بجد في حرب و لا مرض ولا نيلة

هنبقى في أنهي دقيقة فيهم

ربنا يستر

aaand that’s the thirteenth book this winter ..

“Love has nothing to do with science,” Ross said. “Love’s not a because, it’s a no matter what.”

Shelby believed that love was like a solar eclipse – breathtakingly beautiful, absorbing and capable of rendering you blind. She had not necessarily gone out of her way to avoid a relationship, but she hadn’t wanted one either. It was called falling in love for a reason – because inevitably, you crashed at the bottom.

Jodi Picoult – Second Glance

I’m infatuated by her lines,